Why do leaders need to understand shame?

Tiril has been working hard on a presentation to the management team. She feels well prepared and wants to make a good impression. In the middle of the performance, she is interrupted by the manager, who says in front of everyone: “This isn't really that relevant, we can skip ahead.” Tiril feels the heat rise on her face. She loses the thread and quickly retreats to her chair. For the rest of the meeting, she stays quiet, althrough she really had important points. The experience sets in as an unease and a thought that she's not good enough. Most managers are concerned with motivation, culture and relationships. But a topic rarely touched on in leadership training, is shame. Yet this sentiment shapes both managers and employees more than we often realize. Shame can paralyze, trigger defense mechanisms and undermine trust, or, when met with prudence, open doors to learning and forge stronger relationships.

Reflection question: What place does shame have in your understanding of leadership today -- is it a topic you have previously pondered?

Shame as hidden driving force

Shame occurs when we fail to live up to expectations — our own or someone else's. Sometimes there are small moments: a manager who feels that the presentation is failing, or an employee who is not heard in a meeting. Shame often sets in as unease in the body or the need to withdraw from it. In working life, this can result in silence, lower initiative and reduced psychological security.

Reflection question: How do you handle even moments of shame -- do you back away or do you seek dialogue?

Triggers leaders should recognize

Public criticism: When feedback is given in front of others, the humiliation can overshadow the learning intention.

Blurred roles and expectations: Blurred frames create great room for shame.

Experience of injustice: Even small signs of favoritism can trigger extrajudicial attacks.

Culture of perfectionism: When mistakes are not tolerated, shame grows quickly.

Reflection question: Which of these triggers do you recognize in your own team or organization?

When shame rules the team

If shame is allowed to dominate, we see three consequences:

Relationships weaken - people pull away or become defensive.

Motivation drops - the energy is spent on protecting oneself rather than creating value.

Creativity stops - the risk of sharing ideas feels too high.

This is a major reason why organizations can stagnate even with high levels of expertise.

What can managers do?

Normalize errors and uncertainties — show through action that it is permissible to try and fail.

Use feedback wisely — give it in ways that safeguard dignity.

Building psychological security — creating spaces where one can question, disagree, and share vulnerability.

Reflect on your own triggers — self-awareness makes it easier to meet others calmly.

Reflection question: Which of these points will be most challenging for you to practice in the role of leader?

To understand shame is not to step on tiptoe. It's about recognising the human sides of working life. When leaders understand how shame works, they can transform an invisible brake into an impetus for development. Then relationships can be strengthened, motivation lifted and the organization move forward with greater force.

Reflection question: How can you use the insights about shame to create more peace of mind and engagement in your team?

References

Tangney, J. P. & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and Guilt. The Guilford Press. Guilford PressGoogle BooksInternet Archive.

Brown, B. (2006). “Shame Resilience Theory: A Grounded Theory of Women and Shame.” Familie i société.

Hill, A. P. & Curran, T. (2016). “Multidimensional Perfectionism and Burnout: A Meta-Analysis.” PubMed.

Harari, D. et al. (2018). “Is Perfectly Good? A Meta-Analysis of Perfectionism in the Workplace.” Journal of Applied Psychology.