When emotional skills go too far

Have you ever thought that the better you are with people, the better leader you become?

It sounds obvious. But what if being too good at reading, understanding and influencing the feelings of others could actually become a problem?

What is emotional and social competence?

Emotional and social competence (ESC) is about the ability to understand and regulate one's own emotions, show empathy, build relationships, and communicate effectively. In modern management, ESC has become a kind of ideal — the key to well-being, cooperation and achievement. The research also shows that managers with high ESC often have more motivated employees, stronger teams and better results.

But Ken Nowack and Andrew Munro remind us that this story has several sides. ESC is not a pure success factor. It has an up side, a down side -- and even a dark side.

The bright side: When ESC builds people and organizations

The positive impact of high ESC is well documented:

- Better job satisfaction and mental health.

- More cooperation, prosocial behavior and lower turnover.

- Greater ability to manage stress and difficult emotions.

- Optimism and ability to maintain calm in demanding situations.

In practice, we see this in many Norwegian organizations — for example in healthcare, where emotional understanding and empathy are crucial for quality in patient care and the work environment.

The hidden pitfall: When ESC tips over

Yet recent studies show that more is not always better. The authors describe the link between ESC and achievement as U-shaped: both too little and too much can be problematic.

A leader who is too emotionally fine-tuned may:

- Spend so much energy reading moods that decision-making power weakens.

- Avoid the necessary confrontation to preserve harmony.

- Overanalyze the reactions of others and lose focus on the task.

We often see it in teams that strive to “be kind” — where conflicts are not handled but wrapped up in good vibes. The result is low progress and hidden frustrations.

The Dark Side: When Emotional Intelligence Becomes a Power Tool

The most unsettling insight is that high ESC can also be used destructively. People with great social insight know how to influence, convince, and manipulate. They can appear warm and inclusive, but use the skills strategically to advance their own goals.

In Norwegian working life, we have seen this in cases where leaders with “charisma” and emotional fingertip sense have gradually created a culture of loyalty, not openness. When employees discover that they are being used, trust weakens - and the organization suffers lasting wounds.

What can leaders learn from this?

The most important learning is balance. Emotional and social competence is a tremendous asset -- but only when applied with integrity, realism, and self-awareness.

Three practical advice:

Know the context. In some roles and situations (e.g., crisis management), rational decision-making power is more important than empathy.

Practice self-reflection. Ask yourself: Do I use emotional understanding to help others — or to make a difference?

Invite honest feedback. Create spaces where colleagues can speak up if your empathy slips into control.

Reflection Questions for Managers

How do you notice that your own emotional prudence helps -- and when does it become a hindrance?

In what situations in your team can too much empathy inhibit progress?

How can you ensure that emotional understanding doesn't slip into affect without transparency?

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Developing emotional and social competence is not about becoming “kinder” -- it's about becoming wiser in how to use emotions as management tools.

As Nowack and Munro remind us: He who understands emotion has power. But he who uses his emotions with awareness has wisdom.

References:

Nowack, K. & Munro, A. (2024). The Upside, Downside and Dark Side of Emotional & Social Competence.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotionele intelligentie.

Boyatzis, R. (2018). The Competent Manager: Emotional and Social Intelligence in Action.

The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (STAMI, 2023): Psychosocial work environment and management in change.

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