When grief knocks

Grief is a universal experience -- and yet deeply personal. When we lose someone we love, lose a job, go through a breakup, or lose health, freedom, or security, grief often comes as a silent wave. It can be all-consuming or lie in the background like a shadow. Grief is not one emotion, but a landscape of many: shock, anger, sadness, numbness, and loss.

The function of grief - why do we have to grieve?

Grief is the body's and mind's natural response to loss. It's not a mistake we need to fix, but a process we need to live through. Grief helps us integrate what has happened, give meaning to the loss and gradually adjust to a new reality. It has an important regulatory function both emotionally and socially — it signals the need for support, creates space for adaptation, and allows for reorientation in life. Avoiding or suppressing grief can lead to mental and physical health problems over time. Research shows that people who are given space to grieve, and who experience support in this process, come out better on the other side -- more integrated, more mature, and often with a deeper understanding of life.

Grief in the face of system

Organizations, by their very nature, are designed for efficiency, rationality, and goal orientation. Deadlines, deliverables and results often trump the emotional landscape of the people who work there. When an employee experiences grief, the organization can fall short -- not because humans don't care, but because the system isn't rigged to accommodate the human. There are routines for furloughs, flowers, and condolences. But there is rarely language for what happens afterwards -- when the days go by and the colleague still doesn't smile, when production drops but no one knows how to ask, when a leader doesn't know how to support, without seeming weak or ineffective.

The pace of grief and the tasks of grief

Grief follows no calendar. Some function “as normal” after a week, others after a year -- and some carry it with them for life. Organizations often have a much faster pace than grief. It can create an unbearable contrast for the grieving. The expectations of “getting back to themselves,” of performing and delivering, can become an additional burden. Research shows that the grieving process involves multiple tasks, not stages. According to Worden, the grieving must, among other things, accept the loss, process the pain, adjust to a new reality, and find a lasting place for the loss in their life. Stroebe and Schut describe how we commute between dealing with the loss itself and mastering the demands of everyday life.

What can individuals do?

As a colleague or friend at work, you matter a lot. Sometimes the grieving need more of a human being than many words. Small actions and genuine presence can bring great comfort.

Here's some advice:

Say something. A simple “I'm thinking of you” or “I don't quite know what to say, but I'd like to be here for you”, is often enough.
Listen more than you talk. Avoid cliches. Presence is more important than words.
Please be patient. Do not expect the grief to “pass” quickly. Mourners often need a slower pace and understanding over time.
Offer concrete things. “Can I take this meeting for you?” It's easier to accept than vague offers.
Be there over time. Don't forget. Mark dates. Check in months afterwards -- it makes a difference.

Grief at work — why is it important?

The workplace is a central social arena. How we meet in grief is of great importance for health, belonging and loyalty. Lack of support from the workplace can increase the risk of prolonged sick leave and mental health problems. Good support from managers and colleagues reduces negative outcomes and increases both loyalty and job satisfaction. How can organizations face grief with wisdom and spaciousness?

1. Create a culture of openness

When caring and honesty become part of the culture, it becomes easier to ask for help.

2. Show flexibility

Allow employees to adjust their pace and tasks.

3. Policies with discretion

Have procedures, but ask, “What do you need now?” and customize.

4. Think long-term

Follow up over time. Don't let silence become the norm after a few weeks.

5. Leaders as role models

Empathetic and courageous leaders create safe organizations.

A human accounting

Organizations are often measured in terms of productivity and finances. But the most important values are

human: trust, security and belonging. Facing grief with warmth and patience is not

just right -- that's wise. It builds loyalty and creates work environments where people dare to be whole.

Grief doesn't go away. But when met with understanding, it can become portable.

References

Bonanno, G. A., Kaltman, S. (2001). Varieties of grief experience. Clinical Psychology Review, 21 (5), 705—734.
Worden, J.W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy (5th ed.). Springer Publishing.
Stroebe, M., Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement. Death Studies, 23 (3), 197—224.
Breen, L. J., O'Connor, M. (2011). Family and social networks after bereavement. Journal of Family Therapy, 33 (1), 98—120.
McGuinness, S. L., Hynes, G., & Hogan, M. J. (2022). Bereavement and the workplace. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying, 85 (1), 186—210.
Parkes, C. M., & Prigerson, H. G. (2010). Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life (4th ed.). Routledge.
Arnold, J., & Boggs, K. (2015). Leadership and workplace support for bereaved employees. Grief Matters, 18 (2), 38—41.