When a “yes” really should be a “no”

Have you ever known that your mouth said “yes”, while your body and head were essentially screaming “no”? Most of us have been there. Many of these yeses are not about an unwillingness to contribute, but about the fear of disappointing others or being perceived as difficult. In Norwegian working life, this phenomenon is mainly found under the term “yes-people”. On the surface, it seems positive -- who doesn't like a colleague who always stands up? But behind persistent yes lies a risk: burnout, reduced quality of work and loss of one's own integrity.

Why do we say yes when we mean no?

Research shows that people often say yes for four main reasons:

• Fear of conflict and discomfort

• The need to be liked and recognized

• The Doubt of Own Value (Impression Management)

• Habit and culture of self-sacrifice

Psychologically, this can be understood through Cialdini's principle of commitment and consistency: once we have shown ourselves helpful, it is felt easier to say yes the next time—even if the cost is high for us. The problem is that a persistent behavior of this kind gradually erodes the limits of the individual and creates systematic stresses in the work environment.

Norwegian examples showing the shadow side

In practice, we find many clear illustrations. In the healthcare sector, employees during the corona pandemic reported constantly taking extra shifts, driven by loyalty to patients and colleagues. The result was increased sick leave and burnout in much of the sector.

Teachers in the school system have also told how they say yes to extra tasks — ranging from parent meetings to additional responsibilities for students — knowing that capacity has already been blown. In practice, the good desire to contribute turns into systemic challenges with wear and tear, reduced quality and high turnover.

What can managers do?

As a leader, you are a culture bearer. You can help prevent yes-people from burning out, while strengthening the entire organization. Some key moves are:

- Normalize “no”: Recognize that setting boundaries is a form of professional accountability, not disloyalty.

- Clarify priorities: When everything is “important”, it feels impossible to say no. Be clear about what is critical, and what may lie ahead.

- Detect patterns early: See who always stretches further than the rest and make a pre-emptive call before the strain becomes critical.

- Be a role model: As a leader, you show strength when you set limits yourself. It creates legitimacy for others to do the same.

- Build psychological security: A climate where “no” is met with curiosity rather than sanction is a work environment that lasts.

Reflection Questions for Managers

- How do I react, deep down, when a co-worker says no to me — with irritation or with respect?

- Have I established a culture where people feel pressure to always stand up?

- Do I know who in the team most often says yes, and why they do it?

- What structures do we have to protect the most loyal employees from overload?

The phenomenon of “yes-people” is not just about individual choices, but about organizational culture and leadership. Learning the balance between yes and no is a key to sustainable working life. An honest no can in many cases be the strongest form of loyalty — to oneself, one's colleagues, and the organization as a whole.