Honesty with love

In any team, situations arise in which we have to choose: Should we tell you about something that bothers, or should we leave it alone? Should we address the tricky dynamic, or hope that it passes by itself?

Psychological safety is not about everything always being comfortable, but about daring to be honest — even when it is demanding. It assumes that we put into words what we know, because it has an impact on the goals we are going to achieve, the trust we build and how we interact with each other.

But that also makes it challenging.

Why is honesty difficult in practice?

One of the reasons is that it often touches on something important. We are reluctant to bring up things that actually matter -- because we know it can create friction. If a colleague constantly misses deadlines, a manager manages too much, or a team member pulls away, it affects both results and collaboration. Saying something may feel risky, but not doing so can create even bigger problems in the long run.

Another reason is that we often want to avoid discomfort. Many of us fear the reactions of others. What if the person gets offended, angry, or pulls away? It can be tempting to let things pass to maintain a good mood, but in the long term it can lead to distrust and frustration behind the scenes.

Trust is also at stake. Ironically, we are often most careful to be honest with those we care about. We don't want to hurt, create distance or seem critical. But true trust is not built on avoiding the truth — it is built on the fact that we dare to be open and know that we can tolerate each other's honesty.

Sometimes we also fear that it may affect our own position. What happens if I tell the boss? Will it affect my career? What if the team sees me as difficult? Being honest requires courage -- especially when power relations and internal dynamics come into play.

How to balance honesty and love in practice?

It is important to enshrine honesty in common goals. When we give feedback, it must be clear that it is not about criticism, but about helping the team succeed.

An honest culture must be built over time. If feedback only comes when something is wrong, it will always be perceived as criticism. It should be a natural part of the collaboration.

The way we say things also matters a lot. Instead of saying “You're ruining the dynamic of the team,” we could rather say “I've noticed that you often retreat in meetings. Is there anything we can do differently?”

Peace of mind is created when it feels right to say so. When we ourselves accept honest feedback with openness and gratitude, we show that honesty is welcome.

It is also important to distinguish between intention and reaction. If someone reacts negatively to honesty, it doesn't necessarily mean that it was wrong to say something. People need time to digest feedback, and often they will value it in the aftermath.

Summing up

The hardest thing to address is often the most important -- because it's about how we achieve our goals, how we build trust and how we work together. When we combine honesty with love, we create an environment where we both dare to say what is needed and know that it is being said with good intentions.

The next time you find yourself in a situation like this, ask yourself:
What's most important — avoiding discomfort right now, or contributing to a stronger team in the long run?